Okay, so it's Monday night and I'm halfway The Big Bang Theory. I recently reacquainted myself with BBT after an extended hiatus (I'm not sure what else I was watching. Maybe some crappy VH1 show? Yeah, I'll go with that). Anyways, I was sitting here thinking of a post for tomorrow and realized "wait a second...this show is full of hotties (UNLIKELY). Why don't I do a Do, Date or Dump about The Big Bang Theory?" So here we are. Let's get nerdy!
Leonard (Johnny Galecki)
Shit, this is hard, because am I DD-or-D'ing their characters or the actors who play them? Because would I Dump Leonard (sorry, but I find him too whiny. And short. I know, I'm shallow) but I would Date Johnny Galecki. HEY - don't act like you didn't have a huge crush on him during his David Healy days (or his Russ Griswold days. You sicko).
Howard (Simon Helberg)
I LOVE Howard, so it's definitely a Do. Plus, I love his charming Jewwyness and those turtlenecks. And it's funny - this is totally a reverse of the Leonard/Johnny Galecki paradigm. I would totally Do Howard, but Dump Simon Helberg. It's like Nerd + Charming + Jew = Adorable! But Charming + Jew = Swarthy (ergo, not adorable).
Rajesh (Kunal Nayyar)
Um. Dump? I think? Ouch, and I hate saying that because I know at least a handful of you out there are shouting RACIST!!!1! But allow me to meet your racism with a tolerance: I would Do, Date, and Run Drugs for both Russell Peters AND Kal Penn (especially Kal Penn). I dunno - Rajesh doesn't do anything for me; he's like a brown Fez.
Sheldon (Jim Parsons)
DATE DATE DATE!!! I love Sheldon so much, and I don't care that he would Asperger me to death, I want to marry him. He can talk down to me anytime. I'd let him put his smugness in my stupidity (that doesn't even make sense). But sadly...I think that Jim Parsons may be gay. Which means, in no uncertain terms, does he want to put his peen in my vajeen. I did a rudimentary Google search, and it seems he's straight, but there are also rumours he is dating Kaley Cuoco (STEP OFF BITCH), so I don't even know what to think. So I'll finish with this:
Dear Jim Parsons
Look, I know you're a big-time celebrity, and I'm just a mildly-famous blogger, but I really think I could make a great wife. For example, I have amazing hair. This is important because you need to be seen with a terrific looking lady at all your big-time celebrity fuckfests. As well, I am not fat anymore, so I won't break red carpets or Johnny Galecki. Thirdly, I am very funny. This is important because you will have to be funny all day at work and you will want to come home and not be "on". I will make you laugh, and make you tasty dinners. Speaking of which, I am good at making eggs and toast, so we'll always have Breakfast for Dinner (everyone's favourite!) I'm also good at cereal (both hot and cold). As well as my kitchen skills, I will do sexy stuff with you but you need to constantly compliment me on my great hair and amazing skin. I used to have terrible acne and hair that looked like a bleached-out Halloween wig, and now I operate on compliments and narcissism. Deal with it. I am tall, like you, and I am prepared to tolerate that you're from Texas. One time I had a layover in the Dallas airport, and it was lovely!
Anyways, just marry me, K? I'll make you cookies.
xoxo
The Mayor
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